Party of One

A Gentleman’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

As Valentine’s Day steadily approaches, the hopeless romantic in me feels the need to share some of the vast knowledge I’ve gained in my 25 years as a serial monogamist.  My relationship experience is second to none, so I almost feel as though it’s my duty to pass on some vital lessons I’ve learned to ensure that all of you reading this have a Valentine’s Day that you will never forget.  Ladies, this is your special day.  Sit back, relax, and let the men do all the work this time.  Fellas, not to worry if you aren’t sure what to do.  Your pal JoeyParty is here to save the day.  Follow my foolproof tips below to make sure your woman experiences a Valentine’s Day like no other.

Surprise her. 

Women LOVE surprises. Throw them a text like “Dress nice tonight, babe. I’m taking you somewhere special” and watch as the anxiety they get from trying to guess what you’re planning nearly causes them to have a seizure.  That’s a seizure of love, playboy, and as long as you keep them away from sharp objects until it’s over, you’re in for a great night.

Not sure where to take her?  That’s easy.  Go through her phone while she’s in the shower to see some of the people she’s been texting recently.  Now you’ve got some great contacts to use when trying to figure out the type of place she’d enjoying going to without asking her directly.  Don’t forget to check her emails and Facebook messages too, as you don’t want to overlook anyone who can play a vital role in helping to find the perfect spot to take your lady.  If you see my name pop up at all, you can skip over reading any of the messages.  It’s likely that I was just helping her decide on which piece of lingerie to wear for you on your special night, which friends do from time to time.

Don’t want to be cliché by taking her to dinner? Once again, easy fix.  Set up a romantic candlelit dinner for two at your place, and be sure to let her know you’ll be cooking for her from scratch.  Before she arrives, put a few covered pots on the stove, and turn the oven on.  When she walks in, she’ll be so amazed that you appear to have gone through so much trouble to prepare her meal that it will provide you with the perfect opportunity to keep her on her toes.  Open the microwave, revealing the leftover Chinese food that you are actually going to serve her. Yell “Surprise!” and begin heating it up to an acceptable temperature for consumption.  By now she’s so happy with her surprise that she may even jump your bones before the microwave counts down to zero.  I told you, man.  Women LOVE surprises.

You can always venture far away from the norm and try something completely different.  Shoot her a text early in the day that says “Babe, tonight, I’m gonna make this Valentine’s Day ‘Da Bomb’.” and then make sure you throw some wink faces and “lol”s in there afterwards to be playful.  When she asks what you mean, just say “you’ll see” and send some more cute emojis.  When you’re both ready to get going, take a cab to the local pub and snag two seats at the bar.  Order nothing but Jaeger Bombs all night until one of you decides you can no longer accurately describe what the other one looks like.  Now, take a cab home (safety first) and try your hardest to cuddle in bed without getting the spins.  Don’t worry if you can’t hold it in, remember,  you’re with the love of your life.  And the couple that vomits together, STAYS together.

Get her a gift with meaning.

Many men feel like they need to shower their significant other with jewelry and flowers on Valentine’s Day, but little do they know, that is not the case.  There are plenty of other gift options to make your lady’s heart melt in the palm of your hand.  Here are just a few:

Make her something yourself.  Women always appreciate a man who is good with his hands, so prove that you are by creating something on your own to show her how special she is.  Head to Macy’s and buy some window curtains with a really cool, hip, pattern on them.  Borrow your grandmas sewing machine, and head to the garage for some arts and crafts time.  Sew the two ends of the window curtain together according to your woman’s waist size, and then trim the top/bottom according to her height. BOOM. You have now made your lady a maxi dress. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s that women LOVE maxi dresses.

Not the handyman type? Not a problem!  Gift cards or cash make great gifts.  It shows that you admire how an independent woman like herself is capable of making her own decisions within the retail sector.  She will respect you that much more for all of thought that actually did go into this seemingly thoughtless gift.

Get her one of those movable shower heads that has various pressure and spray settings.  You’re going to have to trust me on this one.

Head to Spencer’s gifts and get her some cool posters that she will love. Classic gift.  Grab the shirtless Channing Tatum, shirtless Adam Levine, and shirtless (young) Mark Wahlberg.  Actually, anyone with nice abs will do.  It’ll show her that you are aware of her likes while also indicating that you are comfortable in your own skin to be okay with her lusting after other men.  It’s a win-win situation, really.

Show her how special she is.

This one sounds like a no brainer, but far too often men make the mistake of not properly showing their special someone just how special she really is.

When you’re out to dinner, don’t allow any men to communicate with her.  At all.  If you happen to have a male waiter, then order her meal and drinks for her and bark loudly if he tries to acknowledge your woman in any way during your dinner.  This will show her that she is yours and yours alone, and you will destroy any man that tries to take her from you.  Also, the barking will be a fierce display of testosterone, which should get her thinking some pretty naughty thoughts about what else a manly man like yourself has to show her.

Wear your brightest TAPOUT shirt to dinner.  This will state to any men (or women) in the vicinity that you are not to be meddled with on this very important night.  This night is about you and your very extra special lady.  Anyone who even looks at her the wrong way need not be surprised when they find themselves on the receiving end of a rear naked choke, begging you to allow them the breath needed to apologize for laying eyes on your lady.

Lastly, make sure to examine the breasts/buttocks of every other female you encounter throughout the night.  Each time you do so, turn to your woman and say “See, babe, your body is WAY better than hers”.  Even if it isn’t the truth, she will love the adoration her body is getting from you.  Also, since women inherently hate all other women, she will get a sense of pride knowing that she is much better looking than the women you are visually critiquing.

And so concludes my advice to all gentlemen out there looking to have the most memorable Valentine’s Day possible.  Remember, guys, the day is about her, not you.  Use the tips listed above to really emphasize that.  If they don’t help to get you and your significant other closer, then you should just break up because you clearly weren’t meant to be in the first place.

You can all thank me later.  It’s what Saint Valentine would have wanted.

Grab 2013 by the Balls

It’s about that time of year again where people take time to reflect on their last 365 days on Earth.  This is typically done in an attempt to determine just how satisfied they are with how the past year’s events transpired.  Some had what they consider to be a bad year, while others are completely content with how theirs panned out.  What most of us have in common, however, is we all look toward the future in hopes that our next year will turn out to be the best one we’ve had yet.  

Lucky for you, I’ve decided out of the kindness of my heart, and with no financial incentive, to help you out and make sure your next year doesn’t suck.  Strictly speaking on the assumption that  we won’t all perish in flames this Friday, I wanted to offer up some advice to everyone looking to get the most out of 2013:

Interact with humans. Technology has completely changed the world we live in.  We’ve watched it happen right before our eyes.  And as amazing as some of the breakthroughs we’ve made have been, they have completely changed people’s interpretations of what social interaction entails.  We are, as a whole, completely submersed in the world of smart phones.  ”Social” media has become such an obsession that it is preventing us from experience legitimate types of social human interaction.  

So how about you put the damn phone down for a second.  Stop checking to see if Channing Tatum favorited your tweet about his biceps.  Stop writing that Facebook post about how much your life sucks because you’re single and how hard it is to find a guy these days and how all guys are dicks and bla, bla, bla.  Pick your head up and make yourself available for that hot guy across the bus who keeps smiling at you, but you can’t tell because you’re tits deep in your iPhone.  That guy is me.  And while I can’t promise that I’ll give you the type of commitment your heart so desperately desires, I can say that we’ll have some good old fashioned fun that you can tell all of your girlfriends about.  And who knows, I might even call you the next day.

Try something new. Seriously.  Go out and try something you have never tried before. Right now.  Challenge yourself.  Scare yourself.  Whether that means jumping out of a plane, or speaking in front of a crowd, do it.  You will respect yourself more when it’s over.  Everyone always gets so nervous about things that are unfamiliar to them, but how can you even know you don’t like something unless you try it?  You might be surprised about what you find out.

Take an improv class. They’re awesome.  And people don’t judge you, even if you suck.  Really does wonders for your confidence. Go to the movies…..alone. Shit, I just started doing this like 6 months ago and I’ll tell you what, it’s fucking awesome.  Sometimes I’ll even treat myself to dinner first.  Best date ever.  And no, I don’t do it because I have no friends, I do it because sometimes I just hate you people.

Start a new hobby. Pick up a cheap guitar and Google “how to play guitar” Boom. You’re the next John Mayer. Once you get good post a video of you playing on Facebook so I can give you some constructive criticism. Pick up an expensive camera and Google “how to be a photographer” Boom. You’re the next (insert famous photographer). Just make sure you let me know if you’re doing this so I can unfollow you on Instagram until you get good.  

Guys- do yoga.  It’s not just for the ladies anymore, that shit is legitimately hard to do.  Plus, the guy/girl ratio at yoga classes is phenomenal.  Girls- lift weights.  No one is going to make fun of you for lifting those cute little 5lb dumbbells.  Guys will appreciate that you are there to actually exercise and not walk on a treadmill at 2.5 mph while talking to your BFF for 45 minutes.

Be nice.  Sounds simple, right?  But, why do people only get nice around Christmas? It’s like they try and justify being a complete dickhead all year by holding open some doors and throwing some quarters at homeless people for a few weeks in December. I see through your shit.  How about you try just randomly being nice all year long.   How about you let me switch into your lane without honking and flashing your high beams at me.  You are literally one car length farther back than you were a second ago.  You will still make it home in time to watch CSI Kentucky or that reality TV show about the crazy British people. Relax.  

Don’t start bitching at the 16 year old Subway employee who forgot to put cheese on your sandwich.  You should be on a diet anyway, fatty.  Now stop being so mean and go for a jog or something.  

Lastly, stop being a dick to the aforementioned people who I’ve instructed to try new things.  They’re in unfamiliar territory, stop making them feel so bad about it.  You’re half the reason people don’t try new things or take new risks in the first place.  They’re worried that you’ll be the first one to comment on their guitar playing video and tell them they suck.  You know what, you suck.  You suck a lot.  And until you try something creative and new to prove me wrong, then I will continue to tell my 479 Twitter followers and 1,041 Facebook friends how much you suck.

In closing, I hope that you all use the ridiculously accurate advice listed above to have an amazing 2013.  Don’t let this upcoming year fly by as fast as the last one did.  We live in a world of endless opportunity, where you are free to do just about anything you feel like doing.  Go out and do it.  Grab life by it’s big hairy balls and squeeze until you get all of that sweet tasty life juice you yearn for so dearly.  Don’t give up if life takes a little longer than expected, it could be that life had a bit too much whiskey tonight, and life is doing the best he can.  This usually never happens to life.  Life is sorry.

Lastly, if you don’t agree with anything I’ve written above, then please keep your shitty opinion to yourself.  How do I know your opinion is shitty?  Easy.  It’s different than mine.  You know how the old saying goes: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then just please unfriend Joe Partynski right now”.  Seriously.  I won’t mind, I promise.  I’ll even help you cope with the healing process.  Maybe set up some weekly counseling sessions where we ease you back into reading some of my posts and see how you react.  Whatever works for you, I’m pretty flexible.

I hope you all have an amazing year.  Let’s try some weird shit together.

The Two Biggest Asshole Sports Fans

I need to begin this post by clearly stating that I am an avid sports fan. I fucking love that shit.  Watching some of the most skilled athletes on the planet compete against each other is one of my favorite things to do.  But in my many years of finding entertainment through sports, I have come across two specific kinds of sports fans that I felt needed to be discussed in a public forum.  

Since everyone knows I’m big on equal rights among opposite sexes (go ahead, you can giggle), I chose to profile the male and female versions of the biggest asshole sports fans out there.  You know these people.  They live among you.  They shop at your grocery store, they walk their dogs in your local park, they know all the words to Oasis’ “Wonderwall”, and they even visit the same porn sites that you do (Unless you’re into that EXTREME shit. In which case, undo the belt from your neck, remove the ball gag, breath some oxygen, say the safe word, and continue reading).

Without further adieu, here they are:

Asshole Sports Fan #1: The “I’M THE BIGGEST FAN OF THIS TEAM ALIVE AND THERE IS NO WAY YOU LIKE THEM MORE THAN I DO AND EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE THEM AS MUCH AS I DO IS A FUCKING BITCH!” guy

Ahhh, this guy.  This fucking guy.  I can’t stand this fucking guy.  Okay, dude, I get it.  You LOVE your teams. Absolutely LOVE them.  You literally put them before everything else in your life.  Boy are they lucky to have a fan as passionate as you.  

But seriously, man, you need to chill the fuck out.

This is the guy you’ll see on Facebook announcing “yup cant wait to see all these pink hat pussys come out of the wood work GET OFF THE BANDWAGON YOU LOSERS!” (for one reason or another, these guys usually don’t make proper use of punctuation, ever).  At this time I’d like to formally apologize to this guy right here, right now:  

I’M SORRY that you missed your sisters wedding because you had preseason tickets to an NBA game.  

I’M SORRY that you were unable to walk with your class at your college graduation because the Yankees had a HUGE midseason game against the Rays that you had to watch on TV in your dorm (Can you believe that? A senior still living in a dorm!? ..it happens).

I’M SORRY that your girlfriend dumped you because you couldn’t get your penis erect without staring at a picture of Tom Brady for no less than 2.5 minutes, and this really creeped her out —Like, to the point where she told some of her friends and they suggested she call a therapist, but instead she called a psychic who told her that if she stayed with you, she would one day be beaten so badly she would be unrecognizable to her own family. She would ultimately never forgive you for what you did, but she would be so hideous to look at that she will never find love again.—(this psychic was me, btw.)

So I ask you this: Can you fuckers just calm the fuck down and let people like me enjoy some entertaining sporting events without hearing you boast about how you’ve liked this team since you were born and you know all there is to know about this team and how your dad used to hit you with a paddle that had this teams logo when you wouldn’t shut up during the games? Please?  

I understand that to you, every fan who isn’t you is a so called “pink hat” fan.  But honestly, who gives a fuck?  Would you rather it only be you sitting there at the game, watching alone, one hand on your shriveled little penis, and the other hand fist pumping to the sports gods praying that you’ll maybe one day get a boner again?  Good luck starting a chant, buddy.

Asshole Sports Fan #2: The “I’M, LIKE, SUCH A HUGE FAN OF THIS TEAM AND, LIKE, THEIR PLAYERS ARE SOOOO HOT AND LIKE, I NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE, LIKE, KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM!!” girl.

First of all:  ”HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA” at this fucking bitch.  Good god, is there anyone more annoying on the planet?  To be honest, I don’t even really know how this girl even found out about sports, because she quite obviously has never played any (oh, you took gymnastics in 3rd grade and then danced Jazz in 4th-6th? Die.)

This girl is equally, if not more annoying to watch a game with then Asshole #1.  She spends most of the game on her phone texting, updating her status about every play she thinks is good, and yelling out random shit at the TV that makes legitimate sports fans cringe.  She understands nothing regarding the fundamentals of sports, so she will yell every time there isn’t a Sportscenter top 10 play occurring.  

It’s like: “OH MY GOD Brady, like, throw the ball higher for him, GOD!” or “OH MY GOD Jeter, like, why are you even swinging at that!?!” or (and this is my favorite) “OH MY GOD MARCHAND, like, why are you just throwing the puck up the side to NOBODY!?”.  IT’S CALLED A DUMP AND CHASE, BITCH! It is a widely used offensive strategy in the game of hockey, which you would understand if you had more than 1/3 of an actual human brain.  And to avoid any confusion, I said DUMP AND CHASE. Not to be confused with CHASE AND DUMP, which is what every boy you’ve ever met has done to you since you were 15 because you are a stage 32543252 clinger who texts nonstop 100 times a day because some guy threw his manhood inside you when you were both hammered but he had the decency to leave you his real number so now you think you guys are, like, “a thing”.

Don’t underestimate this girl, however.  At least she remains up-to-date. She’ll tell you how HOT Tim Tebow is or how LINSANE Jeremy Lin was (for a week) because she saw some article on them in US Weekly where the paparazzi was chasing them around asking them how big their dicks are and whether or not they’re really a virgin.  No, no, we TOTALLY believe that you knew who these players were a week ago.  And more so, I’m impressed at how quickly your new jerseys arrived!  How much was the expedited shipping?? Ah, it’s okay if you don’t know right now, I’ll just check your dads credit card statement next month.

So I ask you this: Can you just shut the fuck up already?  That doesn’t mean you have to stop being a fan. God no. Fans are awesome.  But do you know what’s worse than a fan who knows nothing about sports?  A loud fan who knows nothing about sports.  

Keep your opinions to yourself so I don’t choke on my french onion dip whenever you mispronounce a players name.  Keep the statuses/tweets/AIM away messages to a minimum, we don’t need to hear all that shit.  But most of all, keep wearing those cute little pink jerseys with no bra on underneath.  Keep it on during the game, keep it on during the post game trip to the bar, and certainly keep it on while we are having wild drunken sex in my bedroom afterwards.  I can say with great certainty that it would probably be the closest I would ever come to fucking Rob Gronkowski. But a boy can dream….

In closing, I hope these two fans get married to each other but then catch each other cheating and go through a really nasty divorce.  Maybe throw a non-fatal car accident somewhere in there as well. Yea, car accident.  That’ll show ‘em.