As Valentine’s Day steadily approaches, the hopeless romantic in me feels the need to share some of the vast knowledge I’ve gained in my 25 years as a serial monogamist. My relationship experience is second to none, so I almost feel as though it’s my duty to pass on some vital lessons I’ve learned to ensure that all of you reading this have a Valentine’s Day that you will never forget. Ladies, this is your special day. Sit back, relax, and let the men do all the work this time. Fellas, not to worry if you aren’t sure what to do. Your pal JoeyParty is here to save the day. Follow my foolproof tips below to make sure your woman experiences a Valentine’s Day like no other.
Women LOVE surprises. Throw them a text like “Dress nice tonight, babe. I’m taking you somewhere special” and watch as the anxiety they get from trying to guess what you’re planning nearly causes them to have a seizure. That’s a seizure of love, playboy, and as long as you keep them away from sharp objects until it’s over, you’re in for a great night.
Not sure where to take her? That’s easy. Go through her phone while she’s in the shower to see some of the people she’s been texting recently. Now you’ve got some great contacts to use when trying to figure out the type of place she’d enjoying going to without asking her directly. Don’t forget to check her emails and Facebook messages too, as you don’t want to overlook anyone who can play a vital role in helping to find the perfect spot to take your lady. If you see my name pop up at all, you can skip over reading any of the messages. It’s likely that I was just helping her decide on which piece of lingerie to wear for you on your special night, which friends do from time to time.
Don’t want to be cliché by taking her to dinner? Once again, easy fix. Set up a romantic candlelit dinner for two at your place, and be sure to let her know you’ll be cooking for her from scratch. Before she arrives, put a few covered pots on the stove, and turn the oven on. When she walks in, she’ll be so amazed that you appear to have gone through so much trouble to prepare her meal that it will provide you with the perfect opportunity to keep her on her toes. Open the microwave, revealing the leftover Chinese food that you are actually going to serve her. Yell “Surprise!” and begin heating it up to an acceptable temperature for consumption. By now she’s so happy with her surprise that she may even jump your bones before the microwave counts down to zero. I told you, man. Women LOVE surprises.
You can always venture far away from the norm and try something completely different. Shoot her a text early in the day that says “Babe, tonight, I’m gonna make this Valentine’s Day ‘Da Bomb’.” and then make sure you throw some wink faces and “lol”s in there afterwards to be playful. When she asks what you mean, just say “you’ll see” and send some more cute emojis. When you’re both ready to get going, take a cab to the local pub and snag two seats at the bar. Order nothing but Jaeger Bombs all night until one of you decides you can no longer accurately describe what the other one looks like. Now, take a cab home (safety first) and try your hardest to cuddle in bed without getting the spins. Don’t worry if you can’t hold it in, remember, you’re with the love of your life. And the couple that vomits together, STAYS together.
Get her a gift with meaning.
Many men feel like they need to shower their significant other with jewelry and flowers on Valentine’s Day, but little do they know, that is not the case. There are plenty of other gift options to make your lady’s heart melt in the palm of your hand. Here are just a few:
Make her something yourself. Women always appreciate a man who is good with his hands, so prove that you are by creating something on your own to show her how special she is. Head to Macy’s and buy some window curtains with a really cool, hip, pattern on them. Borrow your grandmas sewing machine, and head to the garage for some arts and crafts time. Sew the two ends of the window curtain together according to your woman’s waist size, and then trim the top/bottom according to her height. BOOM. You have now made your lady a maxi dress. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s that women LOVE maxi dresses.
Not the handyman type? Not a problem! Gift cards or cash make great gifts. It shows that you admire how an independent woman like herself is capable of making her own decisions within the retail sector. She will respect you that much more for all of thought that actually did go into this seemingly thoughtless gift.
Get her one of those movable shower heads that has various pressure and spray settings. You’re going to have to trust me on this one.
Head to Spencer’s gifts and get her some cool posters that she will love. Classic gift. Grab the shirtless Channing Tatum, shirtless Adam Levine, and shirtless (young) Mark Wahlberg. Actually, anyone with nice abs will do. It’ll show her that you are aware of her likes while also indicating that you are comfortable in your own skin to be okay with her lusting after other men. It’s a win-win situation, really.
Show her how special she is.
This one sounds like a no brainer, but far too often men make the mistake of not properly showing their special someone just how special she really is.
When you’re out to dinner, don’t allow any men to communicate with her. At all. If you happen to have a male waiter, then order her meal and drinks for her and bark loudly if he tries to acknowledge your woman in any way during your dinner. This will show her that she is yours and yours alone, and you will destroy any man that tries to take her from you. Also, the barking will be a fierce display of testosterone, which should get her thinking some pretty naughty thoughts about what else a manly man like yourself has to show her.
Wear your brightest TAPOUT shirt to dinner. This will state to any men (or women) in the vicinity that you are not to be meddled with on this very important night. This night is about you and your very extra special lady. Anyone who even looks at her the wrong way need not be surprised when they find themselves on the receiving end of a rear naked choke, begging you to allow them the breath needed to apologize for laying eyes on your lady.
Lastly, make sure to examine the breasts/buttocks of every other female you encounter throughout the night. Each time you do so, turn to your woman and say “See, babe, your body is WAY better than hers”. Even if it isn’t the truth, she will love the adoration her body is getting from you. Also, since women inherently hate all other women, she will get a sense of pride knowing that she is much better looking than the women you are visually critiquing.
And so concludes my advice to all gentlemen out there looking to have the most memorable Valentine’s Day possible. Remember, guys, the day is about her, not you. Use the tips listed above to really emphasize that. If they don’t help to get you and your significant other closer, then you should just break up because you clearly weren’t meant to be in the first place.
You can all thank me later. It’s what Saint Valentine would have wanted.